Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
