Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
