New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
