I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
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