Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
