Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
