Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
