I was born with a shot glass in my hand
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
