im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
