No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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