I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
