2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
