Old men and throwing up are my life now.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
