He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
