You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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