then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Randomize
