so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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