Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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