there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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