went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
There are leaves in my underwear?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
