he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
