so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
