if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Randomize
