my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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