i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
My penis needs a shock collar
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
