you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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