Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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