Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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