I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
