so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
