i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
