Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
then he tried to convert me to islam
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
