im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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