we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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