Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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