tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
