You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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