why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Randomize
