Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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