Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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