well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
