We're facebook friends in real life
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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