There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
