I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
