Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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