there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize
