If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
