do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Im just a social blackout drinker.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
