Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
