he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
me + whiskey = a bad person
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
